heart's cry

Abba, I want you to have everyday. You are worth it. You are the only one worthy, the only one deserving of all of my heart. It’s yours. 

Convict me.

Correct me.

Challenge me.

Stretch me.

I trust you. I know that the pain that comes from that is all because of how deeply [all my life I will still be discovering the depth] you love me. I know that you love me right where I am and yet you call me higher, you call me deeper. The more I know you, the more sin I see in my life. You call me to be perfect [Matt. 5:48] and you don’t ask me to do/be anything that is impossible. By you, through your finished work on the cross, I can be like you. Help me, Papa God. 

The more I gaze upon the beauty of Jesus, the more like Him I become. I want to live righteously. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.

I lay down the lesser pleasures of this life because I know that you really do satisfy. I am called blessed for God has given me grace to hunger, to thirst for righteousness. Blessed am I. Praise Jesus! Hallelujah!

Amen&amen.

childlike

Opening my tired eyes, I was already dreading the upcoming day. We had worship and teaching in the morning, then another class/ministry time for the afternoon, then our evening 6-hour service that night. Thoughts of what I didn’t like about the ministry time, how I was freezing and feeling sick, and twenty other complaints about the day filled my head. All that to say--I had a bad attitude. 

9:00 a.m. Worship starts. I was distracted by the worship leader’s musical style, by the cold temperature of the room, by the people in front of me, etc.. I was trying to engage, but I was just having the hardest time. Then, they called anyone who wanted prayer to go to the front. All of a sudden, I stood up. I knew I needed to give my attitude, my anxiety, my everything to God. Hmm, what a thought!

As I walked to the front, I started talking to my Father, telling him the things that had been bothering me and then repenting of holding them back from him. In thankfulness, I lay it all down before him. It all made sense. I was just a little girl. Sitting on my dad’s lap, holding something tightly in my hand, I was trying to keep some of me back from God. But the truth is that I'm already in his lap! He’s got me, all of me. I didn’t want to clench my hands any longer, pretending that he isn’t already in complete control.

Let me tell you, surrender is good. I began to weep, receiving God’s love for me. “Holding nothing back I open up my soul to you, oh Lord”, I sang. And boy, that time I meant it!

It’s not that God was finally able to do something that he wasn’t able to do before. No, it was that I said, “I trust your leadership. I lay down everything because I know that you are good.” I opened my tightly clenched hand, giving it all to Him. And when I opened my hand, my heart, my dreams, my everything to Him, then I was open to receive more from Him. Abba loves to give us good gifts. All we have to do is ask! 

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matt. 7:11)

divine intervention

Can I just say, the Lord is good. Even when I simply want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my face and start the day over, he is so good.

After a discouraging lunch meeting, I was feeling sick and just bad tempered in general. Sweet, hopeful Alison asked if us three girls wanted to go for a prayer walk around the neighborhood. “Ughhhhhh!” was my internal reaction. I like having a purpose, a place to go, a goal to achieve, so naturally, long (pointless) walks are not my cup of tea. But instead of voicing complaints, I simply shrugged and said, “whatever you guys want to do...” as unpleasantly as possible without being directly rude. We then set out walking, Kristan and Alison, kindly disregarding my dreadful attitude.

Alison had some back troubles from before the trip. She is doing quite well now (we are all so thankful!) but we’ve been keeping a close eye on her and one thing she has to be careful of is walking too fast. I like things fast. Patience is called a virtue. It is, however, rarely counted as one of mine. A slow, meandering walk... Again, uuughh.

As we walked, they prayed: for surrounding people, for our trip, for India. I wasn’t. My heart and mind were just so closed to the Lord. I had been walking a bit ahead of them, impatiently trying to speed up the walk. All of a sudden, I turned back to see Kristan motioning me back to where they are. Puzzled, I quickly retraced my steps and followed them into some one’s front door. “What’s going on??” almost panicking, I questioned Kristan. “She invited us in,” she replied simply.

Alvira is her name. Kind, quirky, friendly, open Alvira. She offered us coffee and orange juice. We spent two lovely hours with her, hearing her story, reading some of her poetry and sharing about ourselves.

She was a breath of fresh air. Fresh air that smacked me in the face saying, “Your crabby attitude doesn’t get in the way of My plans, Claire. I am not thrown off. In ALL things, I am creating beauty. I take your ashes and create something truly beautiful. You may get stuck in your own world of self pity and lose sight of my face, but I love you too much to give up on you. Return to me, my arms are forever open for you. You are too precious to me. It hurts my heart when you turn away. Come back, my child. here is where you are safe, here with me. This is home. Wherever you may be, when you are in my arms, held tight to my heart, you are home.



Father, forgive me. I am so weak. I let tiny things grow into enormous barriers. Thank you for your incredible grace. Thank you for overcoming sin, my sin, and humbling me gently. You rejoice to welcome me back into your arms of love. I love you.