I promised an update... But where do I even begin? Well, the internship is almost over! It’s hard to believe I have spent over four months here in Kansas City, Missouri.
Thinking back to the beginning of the internship, I remember a girl who thought that she was pretty great. She basically thought that she was a gift from God to IHOP. Okay, well, probably not that extreme, but she did have quite a bit of pride. She thought that she was the hardcore christian. I mean, come on. She’d left friends and family at the drop of a hat to spend five months praying.
Upon arrival to IHOP, it didn’t take her long to realize that she was not the only “hardcore christian”. In fact, there was a whole prayer room full of them! It didn’t take her long to find herself blending in with the crowd, not so special anymore. That really didn’t sit well with her. Part of her identity was being known as the good, christian girl, the one who really loved Jesus, definitely more than most.
With this new dynamic, she was struggling for identity. Knowing she was special, but how? If everyone loved Jesus and it was more and more seeming like she didn’t because of all this irritation and offense in her heart, who was she? She wasn’t getting the approval she so craved. And the rules! No secular music in the apartments? I mean, come on! She’s an adult, doggone-it. And bedtime? Seriously? Yeah, that girl was quite a bit more messed up than she’d ever realized. And that wasn’t comfortable.
Many nights, she found herself sitting in the prayer room singing, worshipping and reading. It was real. She truly did love Jesus and wanted to know Him more. But in the midst of it, she was offended: at God that He hadn’t kept her from all the messed up stuff inside her and in her life, and at her leaders in the internship for not seeing her value and preferring her above others.
Slowly, as the Lord (in His kindness and faithfulness) kept humbling her; she became aware of her pride. And as the Good Shepherd continued to pour out love on her, she softened. As He chastened her, He was showing her love. His gentle hands were leading her. He was refining her, removing the ugly, dead parts in her and purifying her. At first, it was so painful, she was struggling, pushing Him away. She thought she was pretty alright and didn’t need all the pain that He was putting her through. But He didn’t let her go so easily. He saw in her heart that she really was desperate for Him to save her, she just thought it would look different than the way He was doing it. He saw the ‘yes’ in her heart and He was committed to “...bring forth [her] righteousness as the light...”
The refining, though it has yielded much fruit, is not over yet. That girl has come a long way. She is slowly learning the meaning of humility. She is learning to lean on her Shepherd’s strength and not her own. And probably the most significant thing that she is still learning (and probably will be for all her days) is who she is, her identity. When the things that she had put her identity in were stripped away, she was forced to reevaluate.
One night in the prayer room, it really clicked for her.
“Who do you say that I am, God? Just tell me. I need to know who you say that I am!”
...
...
...
“You are mine.”
Woah. It was real breakthrough. Praise Jesus!
That girl, well, she still has a long way to go. But, she is a lot father than when she began! And she knows who she is. Or at least, she is at the beginning of the journey of understanding who she is.
Oh well, I guess I’ll save an update about me for later!
Love, that girl :)
“My beloved is mine, and I am His.”
Thinking back to the beginning of the internship, I remember a girl who thought that she was pretty great. She basically thought that she was a gift from God to IHOP. Okay, well, probably not that extreme, but she did have quite a bit of pride. She thought that she was the hardcore christian. I mean, come on. She’d left friends and family at the drop of a hat to spend five months praying.
Upon arrival to IHOP, it didn’t take her long to realize that she was not the only “hardcore christian”. In fact, there was a whole prayer room full of them! It didn’t take her long to find herself blending in with the crowd, not so special anymore. That really didn’t sit well with her. Part of her identity was being known as the good, christian girl, the one who really loved Jesus, definitely more than most.
With this new dynamic, she was struggling for identity. Knowing she was special, but how? If everyone loved Jesus and it was more and more seeming like she didn’t because of all this irritation and offense in her heart, who was she? She wasn’t getting the approval she so craved. And the rules! No secular music in the apartments? I mean, come on! She’s an adult, doggone-it. And bedtime? Seriously? Yeah, that girl was quite a bit more messed up than she’d ever realized. And that wasn’t comfortable.
Many nights, she found herself sitting in the prayer room singing, worshipping and reading. It was real. She truly did love Jesus and wanted to know Him more. But in the midst of it, she was offended: at God that He hadn’t kept her from all the messed up stuff inside her and in her life, and at her leaders in the internship for not seeing her value and preferring her above others.
Slowly, as the Lord (in His kindness and faithfulness) kept humbling her; she became aware of her pride. And as the Good Shepherd continued to pour out love on her, she softened. As He chastened her, He was showing her love. His gentle hands were leading her. He was refining her, removing the ugly, dead parts in her and purifying her. At first, it was so painful, she was struggling, pushing Him away. She thought she was pretty alright and didn’t need all the pain that He was putting her through. But He didn’t let her go so easily. He saw in her heart that she really was desperate for Him to save her, she just thought it would look different than the way He was doing it. He saw the ‘yes’ in her heart and He was committed to “...bring forth [her] righteousness as the light...”
The refining, though it has yielded much fruit, is not over yet. That girl has come a long way. She is slowly learning the meaning of humility. She is learning to lean on her Shepherd’s strength and not her own. And probably the most significant thing that she is still learning (and probably will be for all her days) is who she is, her identity. When the things that she had put her identity in were stripped away, she was forced to reevaluate.
One night in the prayer room, it really clicked for her.
“Who do you say that I am, God? Just tell me. I need to know who you say that I am!”
...
...
...
“You are mine.”
Woah. It was real breakthrough. Praise Jesus!
That girl, well, she still has a long way to go. But, she is a lot father than when she began! And she knows who she is. Or at least, she is at the beginning of the journey of understanding who she is.
Oh well, I guess I’ll save an update about me for later!
Love, that girl :)
“My beloved is mine, and I am His.”
